Chris Crossland

There is little definitive information on the one known as Chris Crossland. The oldest prehistoric record is the ancient Mayan myth (which pre-date the Egyptian records by 9 days) that claims as an infant he was stolen from his village by the Central American goat-eating 'ChupaCabra' and was raised as a feral child avoiding civilization and collecting young women for his harem. For years rumors abound of his existence, yet the only proof was an undocumented photo from the American Northwest, his name appearing in carvings throughout history and the mysterious Nazca lines of Peru.
The Native Americans described him as a “Hairy Man-Beast that towers over the forest floor.” While the ancient Egyptians referred to him as “The Hairless Demon that tunnels in from below to steal your women”. The fur trappers of North America were known to protect themselves from "The Crossland" by spreading mayonnaise around their campsites at night. Eye witnesses have reported the faint sounds of pinch harmonics and palm muting to precede or follow a Chris Crossland sighting. Recently discovered cave drawings in the deserts of New Mexico have stirred up new controversy over his origins. Although most of what we know about Chris Crossland is shrouded in folklore, a few facts are certain... 1) - Buddhist monks mimicked his high kicks and deep knee bends and turned them into a form of self defense fighting known today as martial arts.

2) - The word “Crossland” was found in the Rosetta Stone. Unfortunately, the corresponding section of the stone that would have given us a translation was broken and lost forever.

3) - The carving of the name “Crossland” was found on the inside of the sarcophagus of Queen Nefertiti of Egypt. When the lid of her coffin was closed the word Crossland was right over her crotch.

It is said that you can summon Chris Crossland by playing air guitar from start to finish with “Panama” from Van Halen’s 1984 album. This is not recommended as most who have tried have not lived to tell the tale.